Stephen Colbert

“We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't.”

“I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.”

“I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.”

“Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.”

“I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.”

“I can't prove it, but I can say it.”

“If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.”

“Reality has a well-known liberal bias.”

“I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.”

“I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.”

“Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.”

“You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.”

“In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.”

“Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.”

“Use the word 'zeitgeist' as often as possible. Ideally, you want to find words that sound familiar but people don't really know their definitions: 'zeitgeist,' 'bildungsroman,' 'doppelganger' - better yet, anything Latin. But avoid 'paradigm.' It's so 1994. If you say the word 'paradigm,' everybody knows you're a poser.”

“I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.”

“I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.”

“I am highly variable in my devotion. From a doctrinal point of view or a dogmatic point of view or a strictly Catholic adherent point of view, I'm first to say that I talk a good game, but I don't know how good I am about it in practice.”