Stephen Colbert

“When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.”

“I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.”

“In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.”

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”

“I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.”

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.”

“Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.”

“Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.”

“My father always wanted to be 'Col-bear.' He lived in the same town as his father, and his father didn't like the idea of the name with the French pronunciation. So my father said to us, 'Do what you want. You're not going to offend anybody.' And he was dead long before I made my decision.”

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”

“Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?”

“If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.”

“I started as a straight actor. I'd go onstage, and I'd think, 'Wow, this is the only thing I want to work really hard at. I will rehearse fifty times on a single scene; I don't care - I'll do it again.'”

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

“I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?”

“I have tender feelings for Nixon because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted 'The Munsters.'”

“I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.”

“I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.”