Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”