Rodney Dangerfield

“ פעם התקשרה אלי בחורה אחת, ואמרה 'בוא אלי, אין אף אחד בבית'. הלכתי אליה, ובאמת לא היה אף אחד בבית.”

“החברה שלי תמיד רוצה לדבר איתי במהלך סקס. רק אתמול בלילה היא התקשרה אליי מהמלון.”

“זונה אמרה לי 'לא בפגישה הראשונה'.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!”