Robert Orben

“Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.”

“Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.”

“Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.”

“Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.”

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.”

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”

“I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

“If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

“Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.”

“In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.”

“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

“What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.”

“With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!”