Robert Benchley

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

“Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.”

“At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.”

“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.”

“Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?”

“It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

“A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.”

“If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.”

“A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.”

“I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.”

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”

“There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.”

“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.”

“For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.”

“You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.”

“After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.”

“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”

“I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.”

“Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.”

“Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.”