Retta

“I only watched 'The Vampire Diaries' because my friends who loves vampires was like, 'Just watch it.' I was like, 'No, I don't want to watch 'Gossip Girls' with teeth.'”

“I moved here in 1997. It's 20 years later, and I finally feel like I'm in this business. I feel like I could call my manager if I wanted to set up a meeting to pitch something and actually get it done, based on my history and the work I've done. I can't say that I felt that way five years ago.”

“I have anxiety when I'm watching TV.”

“The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'”

“'Glee' is very easy to clown because I feel like it's just crumbling. 'Smash!' 'Smash' is the ultimate. I love it because I'm all about theater. I did plays in high school and college, and it totally brings me back to that feeling: how excited you get on opening night, how it sucks when you're not learning the dance moves.”

“Twitter makes me feel like I have friends all over.”

“I love a lot of television and live-tweet a lot of TV.”

“When it comes to this business and becoming a comedy superstar, I've never really thought about things holding me back. I think about what to do to go the next place. Comedy now isn't the only thing for me.”

“I'm a big girl, so I want somebody that's going to make me look a little bit smaller.”

“When I was younger, I was an avid science girl. I was all about, 'I'm going to be a doctor.' Even when I graduated, I was like, 'I'm going to be a doctor.' Even though I did acting and I was in plays and drama clubs in high school and college, I still didn't think I was going to take it on as a career.”

“Handbags, dude. It's all about the handbags. I have quite a few purses that I spend a good deal of money on - that's my jam.”

“It is with a heavy heart that I learn of Joe Manganiello, a.k.a. my wolfy Twitter boo, is seeing one Ms. Sofia Vergara.”

“I prefer to tell stories. If it's funny, then I want to do it on stage.”

“If someone annoys you on Twitter, and they only have three friends, retweet it, then block them.”

“I know that meeting a black woman with a love for hockey is a bit like stumbling upon a unicorn in the woods... or a unicorn anywhere. I'm sure it'd be just as surreal finding a unicorn in downtown Chicago. But here I am.”

“If someone annoys you on Twitter, check their feed first: you need to know if they're crazy.”

“When it comes to social media tea, I recommend that you take it offline. Keep your comments at Happy Hour.”

“I like 'Vampire Diaries' because it has great stories.”

“The Kings made me a jersey that said 'Treat yo' self' on the back.”

“I remember doing stand-up at an open mic a long time ago, and the MC was like, 'Who's next?' I said, 'Marietta Sirleaf,' and he was like, 'What?' And I was like, 'Ugh, okay, just Retta.' It stuck with me ever since.”