Pat Paulsen

“You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.”

“I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.”

“I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.”

“Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.”

“I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'”

“Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'”

“You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!”

“Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.”

“People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'”

“I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.”

“I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing.”

“In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.”

“The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.”

“The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.”

“So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.”

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman.”

“I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.”

“Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.”

“Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.”

“I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.”