A biography for Mitch Hedberghasn’t been written yet.
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”
“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”
“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”
“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”
“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”
“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”
“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”
“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”