Mitch Hedberg

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.”

“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

“I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“גיליתי שדעתם של ברווזים עלי מושפעת מהשאלה האם יש או אין לי לחם.”

“פעם הייתי בהופעת רוק והזמר היה ללא חולצה והוא ניגן בגיטרת וי מטורפת כזו... ואז הוא עמד מול המוניטורים והוא צעק לקהל: "כמה מכם מרגישים כמו בני אדם הלילה? וכמה מכם מרגישים כמו חיות?!?" כולם הריעו אחרי החלק עם החיות אבל אני הרעתי אחרי החלק עם בני האדם כי לא ידעתי שיש חלק שני לשאלה.”

“יש לי וסט. אם אכרות לעצמי את הידיים, הוא יהפוך לז'קט.”

“כלבים נמצאים תמיד במצב 2.”

“דייגים שמשחררים את הדגים לא רוצים לאכול אותם, הם רק רוצים לגרום להם לאחר לאיפשהו.”

“לא ישנתי עשרה ימים, כי זה יהיה יותר מדי.”