Louis C. K.

“If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.”

“I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'”

“I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.”

“If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.”

“I like all ladies of all different ages.”

“You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'”

“I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.”

“I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.”

“My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.”

“Perception is created and twisted so quickly.”

“When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.”

“There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.”

“Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.”

“I could never sit down and write jokes.”

“My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.”

“I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.”

“When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.”

“I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.”

“It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.”

“Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.”