Les Dawson

“I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.”

“I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'”

“Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.”

“I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.”

“I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'”

“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.”

“I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.”

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.”

“The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'”

“The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.”

“The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.”

“My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.”

“I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.”

“With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.”

“I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.”

“My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.”

“In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.”

“My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.”