Les Dawson

“I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.”

“I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'”

“My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'”

“The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.”

“Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.”

“Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'”

“Slumps don't bother me.”

“How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.”

“I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.”

“I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.”

“Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.”

“I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.”

“When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'”

“You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.”

“My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.”

“When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.”

“My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.”

“I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.”

“I know my name will always be linked with women.”

“The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.”