Kevin Nealon

“A novel is too much of a commitment. I tend to peruse Twitter - I check to see if I had any mentions and read the latest messages.”

“As you get older, subconsciously you start thinking about mortality and protecting your offspring. It opens up a whole new avenue of life experiences.”

“Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness.”

“Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them.”

“I'm a member of the Studio City Driving Range. They have a nice little par-3 AstroTurf course and driving range. You know, I don't belong to a course because I don't golf that much, so it's not worth it for me to join a club.”

“My heart started running away, like a pack of horses. Then it slowed down and became irregular.”

“I have a severe addiction to 'Angry Birds.' I always tell myself, 'One more game...' But then there's always another and another and another.”

“If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said.”

“I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push.”

“Every time I think of Doug Wilson, I think 'pathetic.' When it comes between something for himself or something for righteousness, he'll choose himself.”

“Any day that is designated to shower the person you love with love is my favorite holiday.”

“When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour's worth of material together.”

“I see the love in my child's eyes when he sees me, and I know it's gigantic. As an older person, I've been in love before, and I've loved, but this is really an immense, out-of-control-proportion amount of love that you can't even describe.”

“People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the work. It gets a little embarrassing, but it's good. If you work as an accountant, you don't have people coming up to you in the streets saying, 'Hey, great job on tax statements!'”

“I really like to read when I'm eating - 'The New York Times' or the 'Wall Street Journal,' paper version.”

“I think having a child makes you calm down. You sit still.”

“Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.”

“To this day, I haven't felt like I've made it. I'm waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me. I kind of feel like George Plimpton; I'm just experiencing this whole business with the really talented people.”

“Sometimes people come to my standup show, and they think they're going to see Doug Wilson. Or they see me on the street, and they call me Doug Wilson.”

“It was football I enjoyed most. When I moved to L.A. to become a stand-up comedian, I thought it might be a good comedy hook to also be the punter for USFL club The L.A. Express, so I started practicing for the tryouts. Luckily, my stand-up took off, and I didn't need to do it.”