Joseph Heller

“He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.”

“I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.”

“I've only had four ideas for a novel in my life, and I've written all of them.”

“He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.”

“The chaplain had sinned, and it was good. Common sense told him that telling lies and defecting from duty were sins. On the other hand, everyone knew that sin was evil and that no good could come from evil. But he did feel good; he felt positively marvelous. Consequently, it followed logically that telling lies and defecting from duty could not be sins. The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous.”

“That men would die was a matter of necessity; which men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance.”

“I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.”

“Colonel Cathcart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why don't you fly four more missions and see what happens?""I don't want to.""Suppose we let you pick your missions and fly milk runs?" Major Major said. "That way you can fly the four missions and not run any risks.""I don't want to fly milk runs. I don't want to be in the war anymore.""Would you like to see our country lose?" Major Major asked."We won't lose. We've got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed.""But suppose everybody on our side felt that way?""Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldn't I?”

“There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?”

“Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.”

“The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.”

“-You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. You're dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot!”

“Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.”

“There was shish-kabob for lunch, huge, savory hunks of spitted meat sizzling like the devil over charcoal after marinating seventy-two hours in a secret mixture Milo had stolen from a crooked trader in the Levant, served with Iranian rice and asparagus tips Parmesan, followed by cherries jubilee for dessert and then steaming cups of fresh coffee with Benedictine and brandy.”

“הנשיא החדש נכנס לתפקיד באופן חוקי לאחר שקודמו התפטר בכעס בשל עייפות נפשית שנבעה מהצורך להסביר שוב ושוב מדוע בחר מלכתחילה באדם כזה כמי שירוץ איתו בבחירות כמועמד לתפקיד סגן הנשיא.”

“למצוא את יוסריאן שם בבית החולים ולראות את כל מה שדיבר עליו, עם אותה בלונדינית הנלהבת לחבר ואותה אחות בהריון שרוצה שהוא יתחתן איתה.”

“גם הפעם השפיע עליי מעשה היצירה השפעה ברוכה כי עם סיומו התרוקנתי מיגון ומכל רחמים ופחד.”

“נהרו בעליצות במורד הגבעות, כפר אחר כפר, עיר אחר עיר, לקדם את פנינו בתופים וכלי נגינה אחרים.”

“ובמות שאול הייתי מוכן ומזומן. מותו של כל אדם, כתבתי באיזה מקום, מקל על חייו של מישהו.”

“חלמתי על מישהי שתעניק לי תשומת לב ורוך כמו שאבישג השונמית מעניקה לי.”