Joe Rogan

“The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.”

“I've done jiujitsu a huge chunk of my life, and I try to spend a lot of time educating people on the nuances, the subtleness of the ground game. It's a big part of mixed martial arts.”

“No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We're designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory.”

“Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic.”

“Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It's so fun, and it's given me the opportunity to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn't believe it was happening.”

“I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.”

“I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.”

“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.”

“Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title.”

“Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.”

“People for the most part can smell lies.”

“The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.”

“I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.”

“So many times I've done a CD, and then the week after I record it, I've got this new tagline that's killer. And it makes the whole bit better. It happens all the time. But that's just the process of comedy.”

“The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.”

“I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.”

“What's interesting about science is that we're constantly discovering new things about the universe, about ourselves, about our bodies, about diseases, about the possibilities of the future. It's amazing. Science is one of the coolest things about being a human being - without a doubt.”

“I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.”

“It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.”

“I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.”