Joan Rivers

“Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.”

“I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.”

“The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”

“I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

“Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.”

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

“Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.”

“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.”

“I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.”

“I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.”

“The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…”

“I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'”

“Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.”

“I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.”

“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”

“I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.”

“Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.”

“Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.”