Joan Rivers

“I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.”

“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”

“Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.”

“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.”

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

“I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.”

“What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.”

“I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.”

“I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?”

“It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.”

“Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.”

“I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.”

“Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.”

“Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.”

“When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.”

“I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.”

“I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”