Joan Rivers

“You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.”

“Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.”

“It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.”

“Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.”

“All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.”

“I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.”

“I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.”

“I was a Brownie Scout mother.”

“I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.”

“Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.”

“My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”

“I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.”

“I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”

“I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.”

“My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.”

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”

“להיראות כמו בת 50 זה נהדר, אם את בת 60”

“חבל שאין לי אחות תאומה, ככה הייתי יודעת איך הייתי נראית בלי כל הניתוחים הפלסטיים”

“הגוף שלי הוא המקדש שלי והמקדש שלי צריך שיפוץ.”

“הייתי במסיבה ודמי מור כל הזמן השתמשה במשפט הפתיחה 'חם פה או שאני זקנה מגעילה בגיל הבלות?'”