Jimmy Carr

“A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.”

“As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.”

“Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.”

“I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.”

“You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.”

“I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.”

“They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.”

“I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.”

“I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.”

“It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.”

“After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.”

“Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.”

“The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.”

“The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.”

“I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.”

“I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.”

“I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.”

“When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.”

“I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.”

“There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.”