Jay London

“I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.”

“Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?”

“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”

“I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.”

“I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.”

“My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.”

“A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.”

“I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.”

“I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.”

“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.”

“People read me but they don't subscribe.”

“I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.”

“Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.”

“I model irregular clothing.”

“I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”

“I saw a stationery store move.”

“I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.”

“I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”

“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?”

“I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.”