Jackie Mason

“If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.”

“I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long.”

“If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak about politics is because I know I can get a laugh out of it.”

“I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened to talk like this, so why would I talk like somebody else?”

“I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.”

“I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a great history, and the Jewish contribution to the betterment of all humanity.”

“Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?”

“I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.”

“The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do nothing about it for a whole lifetime.”

“Predictions are preposterous.”

“My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.”

“I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.”