Jackie Mason

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.”

“The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the opposite were true and if my career did not have this longevity because I can't believe people would purposely deprive themselves of such hilarious, meaningful entertainment at these prices.”

“It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.”

“My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.”

“It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.”

“קל להבדיל בין יהודים וגויים. לאחר המופע כל הגויים שואלים: 'שתית? רוצה לשתות? בוא נצא לשתות!' בעוד כל היהודים שואלים: 'אכלת כבר? רוצה חתיכת עוגה? בוא נאכל עוגה!'”

“הייתי כה רגיש לעצמי, שבכל פעם שקבוצת פוטבול הצטופפה להתייעצות, חשבתי שהם מדברים עליי.”

“80% מהגברים בוגדים בנשותיהם באמריקה, השאר בוגדים בהן באירופה.”

“העמדה שלי היא שכל מי שבעד פיקוח על מכירת כלי נשק הוא אדיוט מזוין.”

“כסף הוא לא הדבר החשוב ביותר בעולם. זאת האהבה. למרבה המזל, אני אוהב כסף.”

“יש לי מספיק כסף שיספיק לי לשארית חיי, אלא אם אקנה משהו.”

“I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.”

“I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their type of humor. I thought that I could do something more substantially meaningful with significant, thoughtful, analytical reflections on real life situations.”

“I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.”

“There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them on the stage and get paid for it. With all the years of me lampooning the presidents in my act, I know I could never ever want that job.”

“I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.”

“If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon like Jerry Seinfeld, and I got a billion dollars in my pocket, he's got to be nuts to wonder or worry about what people are going to think.”

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

“I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and following whatever is popular.”

“Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject.”