Iliza Shlesinger

“I got a job as a coat check girl at a nightclub - this was in my first few months of being in L.A.”

“I grew up in a bit of a vacuum. And as a kid, you see 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' and you're like, 'Oh, it's a cartoon.' There's mixed media. It's funny, and there's stop-motion. But as an adult, you figure it out, how the entire underpinnings of their comedy was poking fun at the rank and file of the British aristocracy and the monarchy.”

“I remember playing a college in Michigan, and they all held up their hand to show me where they live, which made me wonder what weird alien cult I had entered.”

“I've been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don't plan on stopping.”

“You're never going to please 100 percent of women.”

“I don't know what it's like to be mocked because of your skin color. I don't know what it's like to feel overweight. All I can do as a woman is have compassion, treat other women with kindness, and allow them to just be happy and not judge them for it.”

“I've built a career on evenly entertaining men and women. And I'm kind of known for not making either side feel bad.”

“The women who are pool waitresses are another worldly species. They're half-desert lizards. They never have sunburns.”

“What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die.”

“Like any other creative person, I would make home videos, and I would make sketches with my friends, and I would make my own movies, so I have some love for the creative process.”

“Sounds are something that I always emulate - I'll walk around, and if a coffee pot goes off or a phone rings, I'll often mimic the sound. To me, everything's got a voice.”

“I think more than anything, as a comedian, I grow tired of the unoriginality of 'crazy cat lady' jokes. It's a hacky joke based on an already-played-out stereotype.”

“I didn't get an agent until after 'Last Comic Standing' - of course, getting on a show like that will get you attention.”

“It's only through aging and going through heartbreak and loss and successes and failures that you can look back and look at the mistakes some young people make.”

“I'm not winning any modeling awards, I'm not a Rhodes Scholar, but I genuinely feel that if you're taking time out of your day and your energy to comment on my art, then I got your attention.”

“If you think you're good enough, then you find it preposterous when somebody doesn't acknowledge that... That's propelled me in many ways - maybe thinking I deserve things that I don't at some time. But I'm always willing to put in the work.”

“My family is funny. I think you're born with the gene.”

“I think people have to understand that 'empowering' for women doesn't mean negating men.”

“I'm going to die unhappy. That's how artists roll!”

“Whenever I play Las Vegas, they always give you a suite, and it's really nice, and it always comes with a large bathtub.”