Iliza Shlesinger

“No matter who you date, people are going to make fun of them, jealous people are going to say stuff, people get creepy - all the things that come with the public eye.”

“I would tell my 23-year-old self to be friends with more comics.”

“I believe in choosing your words very carefully. It's funny: I'll get comments like, 'Oh I love you. You don't care; you have no filter.' On the contrary, I absolutely have a filter, because I understand decorum, and my objective is not to upset people.”

“I don't want to hear any more women talk about how they want to be... mermaids.”

“I drink Peet's Coffee, and they're a very authentic company. They don't try to be something that they're not, and I think that's reflective in my comedy as well.”

“Women are often scrutinized when they have pets that men wouldn't have. We are immediately faulted for having the wrong kind of pet rather than anyone first think, 'Wow, she rescued an animal that would have been otherwise killed and gave them a great home - how sweet!'”

“There should be an F.A.A. fine for those who bring hot food that emits odor onto the plane. You're deemed selfish, and you have to take some sort of social awareness class.”

“I don't think anyone leaves Las Vegas rejuvenated, their skin shining, their bank accounts glowing. No one leaves Vegas, like, 'I didn't make one mistake. That felt great. Back to work.'”

“I prefer social politics to politics.”

“There's a way to express femininity and independence and strength without going for hanging fruit.”

“I was a big fan of sketch comedy and cartoons growing up.”

“It's always nice to be paid to be in Las Vegas.”

“Most women have jobs that require them to leave the house. A cat is actually a perfect pet. You get the love and companionship of a creature covered in fur, and you don't have to take it for a walk, and it can feed itself. Less maintenance. Surely any man can appreciate the practicality of this choice.”

“Part of being a comic is being flexible, being versatile.”

“Standup is a tough job and a gritty job.”

“What I have found that my comedy is doing - and what really drives me - is to sort of bring women together through pointing out why we act so crazy.”

“I was a huge 'Blind Date' fan, though, when I was younger; that was on when I was in high school.”

“There's no anger in my act towards anyone other than myself... and maybe airlines.”

“My only agenda is trying to make you laugh and say something smart.”

“I really respect my craft and obligation to my audience.”