A biography for Henny Youngmanhasn’t been written yet.
“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
“Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.”
“If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.”
“I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.”
“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
“This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”
“You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.”
“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”
“If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.”
“Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.”
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
“That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!”
“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
“Take my wife... Please!”
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”