Henny Youngman

“You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“She has a wash and wear bridal gown.”

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”

“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”

“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”

“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“יודעים מה יהיה כיף? להכנס לחנות עתיקות ולשאול 'מה חדש?'”

“פעם רציתי להפוך לאתאיסט, אבל ויתרתי. אין להם חגים.”

“למה יהודים לא שותים? זה מפריע לסבל שלהם.”

“שאלתי יהודי אם הוא יודע איך מגיעים לשדרות מישיגן. הוא ענה 'כן' והלך.”