Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”

“Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”

“A man's only as old as the woman he feels.”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

“I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“למות, יקירתי? הו, זה הדבר האחרון שאעשה.”

“למה צריך להיות לי אכפת מהדורות הבאים? מה הדורות הבאים עשו בשבילי?”

“תנו לי אישה יפה, ספר טוב, ספה נוחה וכלב. עכשיו תשלחו את הכלב לקרוא את הספר איפשהו ואני אוכל ליהנות קצת...”

“חובבן חושב שזה נורא מצחיק אם אתה מלביש גבר כמו אישה זקנה, מושיב אותו בכיסא גלגלים ודוחף אותו במורד גבעה לכיוון קיר לבנים. בשביל מקצוען, זו חייבת להיות אישה זקנה.”