George Burns

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

“Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.”

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

“I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.”

“You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.”

“Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.”

“I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”

“It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

“I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.”

“The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.”

“At my age flowers scare me.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”

“I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.”

“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.”

“I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”

“Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.”