George Burns

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

“This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.”

“If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.”

“I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.”

“How can I die? I'm booked.”

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”

“Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.”

“Be quick to learn and wise to know.”

“I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.”

“It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.”

“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.”

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”