Erma Bombeck

“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”

“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.”

“I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.”

“One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.”

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”

“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”

“For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.”

“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.”

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”