A biography for Erma Bombeckhasn’t been written yet.
“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.”
“It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.”
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”
“God created man, but I could do better.”
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'”
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”
“I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.”
“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.”
“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”
“Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.”
“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.”
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”