Earl Wilson

“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.”

“One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.”

“Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.”

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.”

“A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.”

“The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.”

“The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.”

“Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.”

“You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.”

“Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.”

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”

“Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldn't be done.”

“He's an honest man - you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.”

“Today's accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.”

“Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”

“Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.”

“He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”