A biography for Dennis Millerhasn’t been written yet.
“I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.”
“One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.”
“Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.”
“The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.”
“Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.”
“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
“I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.”
“Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.”
“Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.”
“The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.”
“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”
“It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.”
“Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.”
“America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”
“Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.”
“The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.”
“I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.”
“A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.”
“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”