Dennis Miller

“Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.”

“Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.”

“You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.”

“I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.”

“You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.”

“I lapsed into rude.”

“Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.”

“Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.”

“I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.”

“President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.”

“Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?”

“Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.”

“And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow”

“The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.”

“Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.”

“Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.”

“We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.”

“Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.”

“I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.”

“Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.”