A biography for Demetri Martinhasn’t been written yet.
“I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'”
“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
“Let no man's deathbed be a futon.”
“As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.”
“I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.”
“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”
“I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.”
“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'”
“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.”
“I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.”
“People only have so much attention.”
“I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”
“I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.”
“Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.”
“I never set out to do a sketch show.”
“When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.”
“Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”
“Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.”