Demetri Martin

“I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.”

“A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'”

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”

“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'”

“The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”

“The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).”

“I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.”

“I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.”

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.”

“Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.”

“REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.”

“A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.”

“Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.”

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.”

“I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.”

“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

“And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.”

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

“I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

“I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.”