A biography for Conan O'Brienhasn’t been written yet.
“In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.”
“When all else fails there's always delusion.”
“President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”
“The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.”
“According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.”
“Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career”
“CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'”
“I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it.”
“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”
“People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.”
“Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is connected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.”
“Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.”
“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
“In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.”
“Applaud my idiocy.”
“I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.”
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'”
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”
“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”
“Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.”