Conan O'Brien

“The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'”

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.”

“Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.”

“There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.”

“I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore.”

“One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.”

“All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

“The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'”

“I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be.”

“Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.”

“Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”

“אני רק רוצה לומר לכל הילדים שצופים עכשיו: אתם יכולם לעשות כל מה שאתם רוצים בחיים. אלא אם ג'יי לנו רוצה לעשות את אותו הדבר.”

“טעיתי לחשוב שתינתן לי, בדומה לקודמי, ההזדמנות לקבל תמיכה מהרייטינג של תוכניות הפריים־טיים. כמעט בלתי אפשרי למשוך קהל בשעה 23:30 מבלי לקבל תמיכה מוקדמת יותר. לצערי, אחרי 7 חודשים בלבד החליטה NBC לטפל בבעיות שלה בפריים־טיים בעזרת שינוי ברצועת הלייט־נייט הוותיקה והיציבה.”

“אחוזי התמיכה בנשיא בוש כל כך נמוכים, עד שהוא סוף כל סוף נאלץ ללמוד שברים.”

“ביל גייטס, האיש העשיר בעולם, קיבל אתמול העלאה במשכורת. עכשיו הוא יוכל להרשות לעצמו את הקנדה הזאת שהוא שם עליה עין.”

“כשהכול נכשל תמיד נותרת אפשרות הדמיון.”

“John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.”

“Fish recognize a bad leader.”

“It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

“Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.”