Colin Quinn

“My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.”

“You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.”

“Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.”

“It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.”

“Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.”

“I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.”

“I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.”

“If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.”

“People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.”

“I think the world honestly would be a much healthier place if instead of trying to find rationalizations for our bad behavior we would just say, "I was an asshole. Sure, there were reasons behind it, but that doesn't matter.”

“Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.”

“I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.”

“I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write.”

“Thank God for immigrants. They're the only ones who have any personality left. They still allow themselves emotions, judgments, and all those qualities that we are "evolving" past. I don't know what they're saying, but I can tell they're speaking honestly.”

“The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.”

“I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.”

“You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.”

“I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.”

“My name has zero value.”

“Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.”