Colin Mochrie

“Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.”

“There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.”

“Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.”

“To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.”

“I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people.”

“My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!”

“We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.”

“My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.”

“And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.”

“When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.”

“Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.”

“This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.”

“The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.”

“I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.”

“As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living.”