Bob Hope

“You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.”

“I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!”

“The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.”

“Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.”

“The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.”

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.”

“I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.”

“When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.”

“You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.”

“I have too much money invested in sweaters.”

“A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?”

“When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.”

“The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.”

“When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.”

“They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”

“If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.”

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.”