Bill Maher

“I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.”

“I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can't walk outside your house and breathe? If you can't breathe?…If that's not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don't know what is!”

“But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.”

“Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.”

“Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.”

“We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.”

“The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.”

“I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.”

“We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

“I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?”

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

“This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.”

“The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.”

“Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?”

“If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.”

“The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.”