A biography for Bill Maherhasn’t been written yet.
“Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.”
“What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.”
“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.”
“New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.”
“To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.”
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
“You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.”
“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.”
“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.”
“Men are only as loyal as their options.”
“If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.”
“[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.”
“The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'”
“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?”
“Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.”
“I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”
“If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.”
“Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.”
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.”
“I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”