Bill Engvall

“A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.”

“I've really got no complaints.”

“I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.”

“I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.”

“I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.”

“America loves to watch people growing and getting better.”

“I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.”

“People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'”

“What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.”

“I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'”

“No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.”

“When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'”

“I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.”

“People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in.”

“I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.”

“I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.”

“If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.”

“I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.”

“As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.”

“I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.”