Arthur Smith

“It's the time of year when the literati give advice on what we should be reading on our summer holidays. These terrifying lists often leave me appalled at my own ignorance, but also suspicious about the pretension of their advocates.”

“When a writer dies you get a higher standard of obituary.”

“When synchronised swimming first appeared on TV, we laughed very heartily, and I, for one, applauded the decision to introduce humour into the Olympics.”

“The moon puts on an elegant show, different every time in shape, colour and nuance.”

“Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.”

“I have a suspicion that a lot of artists are trying to get a laugh but, unlike stand-ups, they don't get an immediate response from their audience; a laugh is a rare thing in a gallery.”

“The real change that paintings undergo is in the perceptions of the viewer.”

“I've always been interested in art.”

“An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.”

“I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it, but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.”

“A female friend who caught me watching Fashion TV reckons its audience is largely made up of slobbering men who are just taking a break from the appalling Men & Motors channel. I don't agree.”

“I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be.”

“I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.”

“A savage review is much more entertaining for the reader than an admiring one; the little misanthrope in each of us relishes the rubbishing of someone else.”

“Sometimes it's bad to do something you've never done before.”

“The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.”

“It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.”