Arthur Smith

“Reading the play at home, however fulfilling, can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended.”

“Travel books are, by and large, boring. They lodge uncomfortably between fact, fiction and autobiography.”

“The Romantic poets were the prototype ramblers, and I've often found myself following in their footsteps - although perhaps not all of their footsteps since a typical walk for Samuel T. Coleridge might last two days and cover 145km.”

“The Bible has no doubt had much influence in its time, but it provides very few laughs. None, in fact.”

“Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do, but attending awards ceremonies isn't far behind.”

“I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.”

“I've been trekking the hills and lanes of the British countryside for nearly four decades now and I've come to associate my passion with overexcited poets rather than pampered painters.”

“Only the pun remains. The pun, beloved of Shakespeare, children and tabloid headline-writers, is normally eschewed in the modern, sophisticated circles in which I move.”

“Acting is the most demanding, painful job in the world.”

“Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.”

“It's worth turning up to an awards gig if you know you've won one but, since you never do know, it's not worth it.”

“The book may be garbage, but if it weighs in at a kilo or more, I stand before its author in awe.”

“Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.”

“Global warming, the ongoing destruction of the planet, Third World debt, the uselessness of the railways, the takeover by the corporations, the scary George Bush person: all these things are important and should be animating me into outrage. Yet somehow they do not.”

“I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.”

“Theatricals can be irritating, but will provide a better night out than mobile phone salespeople.”

“Give me the new thing and give it to me now. I don't want that old thing - I've seen it, heard it, bought it, slept with it, loved it, but now I'm bored with the old thing and I'm gagging for the new stuff.”

“About every four years, someone says to me, 'I've got a friend who looks exactly like you.' What can you say to this?”

“It is London fashion week, and once again I haven't been invited to any shows. This is upsetting given my well-known love of fashion, or, as I think of it, playing with the dressing-up box.”

“The best way to prepare for a night out with a Shakespearean tragedy is to do a bit of reading up in the afternoon, eat a light supper - perhaps Welsh rarebit - and then arrive early to do some stretching exercises in the foyer before curtain-up.”