Andy Rooney

“The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.”

“Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”

“The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

“The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.”

“Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.”

“I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.”

“I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.”

“Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?”

“If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.”

“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”

“I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.”

“If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.”

“Death is a distant rumor to the young.”

“Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.”

“Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.”

“We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.”

“Nothing in fine print is ever good news.”

“I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

“The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.”

“Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.”