Ambrose Bierce

“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.”

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

“History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.”

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

“Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.”

“Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.”

“Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.”

“Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.”

“Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.”

“OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader.”

“What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.”

“Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.”

“Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.”

“Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.”

“Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.”

“שלום - ביחסים בינלאומיים, תקופה של הונאה בין שתי תקופות של מלחמה.”

“להתפלל (פ') - לבקש שחוקי היקום יתבטלו למען פונה יחיד, המודה שאינו ראוי לכך.”

“כרוב (ש"ע) - ירק גינה נפוץ, גדול וחכם כראשו של אדם.”

“קרקס (ש"ע) - מקום שבו סוסים, סוסי-פוני ופילים מורשים לראות אנשים, נשים וילדים ממלאים את תפקיד השוטים.”