Ambrose Bierce

“Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.”

“Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.”

“Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”

“Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”

“It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.”

“Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.”

“Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.”

“diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”

“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”

“You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.”

“Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.”

“Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.”

“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.”

“Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.”

“Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.”

“Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.”

“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”

“To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.”

“The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.”

“The hardest tumble a man can take is to fall over his own bluff.”